Dealing

(Courtneypost)

I am hot, tired, and crabby today, and on top of that, I am extremely lonely for my family right now. In light of these factors, I'll try to keep it brief, so we don't have too sloppy of a grief-wallow here.

Repairs continue on the wall, and there is plenty of low-key bitching about having to spend so much time fixing something that was so recently constructed, but I think, for the most part, we are happy to have something to do. Josh is quite busy, as usual, and though he is no longer the "official" leader, I see him around the compound, giving advice and encouragement, lending a hand here and there. I see that while he may not be THE leader, he will always be a leader, taking point and encouraging others to keep carrying on. What concerns me a little bit is that he didn't yell and cuss over this most recent incident, he didn't stomp around fuming, didn't have to be talked down from "taking matters into his own hands." Everything is sort of brusque and efficient. I think about how numb I have felt recently, and I wonder, is he feeling the way I do? Or is there some master plan brewing, that is yet to be unveiled? I guess they don't have to be mutually exclusive...

Steve, on the other hand, has been surprisingly demonstrative of his anger. The whole time we were moving debris and bodies, he kept grinding his teeth, breaking the occasional board or other piece of rubbish for no reason, and muttering, "Bastards," and sometimes, "Rat bastards," under his breath. I catch him staring hard at the hole in the wall, clenching and unclenching his fists. This may not seem like a big deal to most folks, but for Steve, it's practically a declaration of war. We'll have to see where this goes.

On a more upbeat note, we'll be having an Independence Day celebration here at the compound. Grilling up some veggie burgers (yes, they're tasty, Tree, but I want a steak, dammit!), taking the slightest bit of a break. Rich will be reading some selections of writings from freedom fighters of various eras, and I do love me a good impassioned speech. Not sure fireworks would be a really great idea, but...sparklers? I think we should at least rustle up a few sparklers. It should be a nice time, and I have long loved celebrating on the Fourth. Freedom has always been sacred to me, and I can't help but feel that now, more than ever, we might understand what it feels like to form a nation dedicated to such a lofty ideal.