Thursday, November 11, 2010

Loss of Focus

It's a bit of a slow news day for us. Not a lot is going on, although we've gotten reports of groups of survivors in Alaska and possibly Seattle, but the contact with the folks in Alaska is tenuous right now, and info is thin.

We really thought there would be an attack yesterday. It was warm for a very long time, which most of us believed would awaken the hibernating zombies around here and bring them hunting. Fortune seems to favor us, however. No attack came.

The dramatic shifts in the temperature throughout the day are sapping morale around the compound. It's hard for a person to go from a beautiful sunny day to freezing cold when the dark comes. Many of us are kind of walking around in an irritated daze, waiting for the constant gloom of winter. At least then we'll have some consistency and maybe be able to get used to it.

I've been experiencing some odd symptoms the last few days, including a similar haziness to the folks unable to get used to the weather. I wake up exhausted every morning, with a bad headache, and have a really hard time concentrating and thinking clearly. My first concern was that Jess was dosing me with something again, slipping some kind of pharmaceutical into my meals like she did a few months back. I asked her, though, and she swears that's not the case.

It's not like I would get angry at her about it at this point. We've suffered a lot together, so trying to medicate me for my own good is far down on my list of shit to rage about. I accept her answer at face value, because she really has no reason to lie.

So, I talked to Evans. Time was, I would have asked my mom, but she's gone now. Strange how the weirdest things can open up those wounds and remind you what you've lost.

At any rate, I asked Evans about it since my lifelong healthcare coach has moved on, and he says that I have probably developed sleep apnea. Jess did tell me not long ago that my snores have begun to evolve from merely cute and gentle zzz's into the mighty rasp of a saw on a hard knot of wood. So yeah, looks like sleep apnea.

Last year, that would have been no problem. This year, I really have no options. I mean, I can't use a CPAP or anything like that, since we don't have any. Not to mention that we can't spare the power to run such a machine all night. And the other solutions such as changing sleeping position and whatnot don't work. I tried those years ago when I had a previous bout of heavy snoring and tiredness, though I had no idea at the time what sleep apnea was...

It sounds like I'm just bitching about my problem and to a degree I am. It sucks to be tired all day and feel like nothing makes sense when you read it. It frustrates and irritates the hell out of me. Add to that the fact that I know there will be no easy relief, along with all the other stress of living in a world populated by hungry, walking corpses, and you get a cycle of exhaustion-fueled rage and despondence that goes nowhere good.

That's one of my biggest fears. While I know from a lifetime of experience that I will always adapt and feel better regardless of how many times life kicks me in the balls, I don't know how many others around here can. We're a tougher lot than the average person who died in The Fall, surely, but everyone has their limits.

Some folks are managing very well. They are eating regularly if not sumptuously. They are within the relative safety of our walls. They have tolerably warm places to live, decent and needed work to perform. All of that is to the good.

But as you have read over the last week or so, not everyone's lie around here is so easy. Many people are dealing with the traumas in their lives, many so atrocious that they can't even talk about it. That constant stress I love to talk about, the daily fear of attacks and losing those we love is enough to test anyone.

What concerns me is the thousand tiny details that add up over time. For me, today, it's a sleep disorder I can't do anything about that is going to effect the quality of my life. For another person, it could be finally remembering that we don't have a corkscrew when he wants to open that bottle of wine he snagged to celebrate his anniversary. The woman who comes home from a long day of patrol on the wall only to realize that she's starting her cycle and the compound has run out of sanitary items for her to use.

Yeah, people hate that our medical facilities are limited, but that's a big thing that can be rationalized. It's the little bits we had become so used to that will bleed our minds a drop at a time. Can the adaptability that is the hallmark of the human animal work fast enough to get us used to the lack of so many things that eased our lives? I don't know.

I have always been a resilient guy, and most of the survivors with us are tough as nails. Right now I feel distracted and tired, but I know that once I get a handle on it this problem, I will manage fine. I'd like to think that the rest of the people here are better than me. Maybe they will be able to brush off the little things and appreciate what is rather than wishing for what was.

I hope so. The world that was is gone forever, and wishing will do us no good.


  1. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about us up north. We've got our situation under control, or at least as much as we can under the circumstances.

    We're trying to reestablish contact with Seattle right now, let you know if anything comes of that. Meantime I'll give you a bit more info on zombies.

    Though what you've told me about your zombies in the last post scares the hell out of me because of how the local plague got under way.

    It was a man. Some crazy bastard was infecting people. At the time I was on the run because they didn't recognize the threat, so that made me a 'serial killer'. Funny how they call me a 'hero' now. Anyway, right before I was caught I found the guy doing it. Killed him myself, but the bastard was slagging his own gear as I came through the door so the info we got later was limited.

    I can't share everything since, well, you've openly admitted that certain hostile forces are reading your blog and I don't want to tell EVERYONE.

    But that's food for fucking thought right there isn't it? Got a crazy up here that started the plague, then there's the outbreak in Cincinnati (because when you think 'zombies' Ohio would be the first fucking place that springs to mind), and that other who linked to your blog a while back said it started in Tijuana and went to south Cali from there.

    Multiple simultaneous outbreaks of extremely similar diseases across the world? I'm more than a little suspicious here.

    Away from the speculation for a moment, info we got from the computers say that they're three different types of zombies: basic shamblers are 'class 1', the 'smarties' as you call them are a 'class 2', and then there's a 'class 3' we know nothing about. What little i got suggests that they would be able to mutate the host body to do other shit in addition to being smart.

    Super-zombies, in short. We don't know if this is something that WILL happen, or MAY happen if conditions are just right, or has ALREADY happened and just hasn't hit any of us yet. Never rains but it pours.

    On a bit of a happier note, when we got contact with y'all down in the lower 48, we hijacked a Military comm satellite (which counts as treason. I'll be sure to apologize for that later)and parked it geo-synchronous over Chicago. If you guys (and the Google compound, and Jack's people, etc.) can set up a comm dish (Will should help there, if he knows half the shit you claim) you'll have a direct line to the other survivors across America after the ground side info-structure falls apart. Merry Christmas.

    We're also working on long term plans to help people, but I'm not gonna spoil too much here for several reasons. But I will say 'zeppelins'. Make of that what you will.

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  3. By the way, hope you don't mind that I'm making you call me by my Op handle right now, but I don't want OTHER people to know my real name.

    I'll try and keep in touch, but the weather makes it so that comms (even with our fucking hacked sat) will be dicey at best. Just wanted to try and get some more info your way before a storm hit or something.