Saturday, August 18, 2012

Not Forgotten

[This post was written by Kincaid. That's me. But going through the blog I see I'm supposed to mention it in brackets for some reason. Other people did it, so I will too.]

Josh has asked that we give it a few days before anyone who posts on the blog starts updating about him. I can understand the need for privacy. Nothing on that front from me today. 

Otherwise New Haven is moving forward very well. Franklin county isn't zombie-free yet but the assault units have done a great job thinning them out. It feels strange not to be out there with them. Stranger to know I won't be any time soon. They don't need me, though.

I'm surprised they're letting me step up and take over Josh's spot. Given my history I never would have expected it except on an as-needed basis. Dodger trusts me, but it took a while for him to get there. Not many others in the defense sector here do. It doesn't exactly come as a shock.

On second thought it may not be that they don't trust me. If there wasn't a minimum level of trust I would be in a shallow grave right now. No way I could be allowed to make a leap up the ladder if a bunch of people had the idea I was going to sell them out. There must be trust. It might be thin but it's there. They just don't like me.

Hard to hold that against you, kids. I don't like me much either.

That's the way it is and there's nothing any of us can do to fix it. Until and unless I'm removed I'm going to do the best job possible. It isn't a need to appease any of you that drives me to that. It's not to make me feel better about myself, either. I couldn't make up for my sins if I live a thousand years. I will try anyway. A million small deeds to make some kind of amends.

I'm out of joint this morning, I know. Maybe this isn't the most informative or lengthy post but I'll try to do better tomorrow. Honestly I'm still shaken about Josh. What he's going through, I went through. It's terrible. The difference is, I did it alone in my car at night where the other marauders couldn't see it. Couldn't see my 'weakness'. I did it alone.

I've seen friends visit him several times. They pass this way. I don't envy him for having support. I couldn't be happier about that. I don't think it makes me tough to have worked through it alone. Just unfortunate. I only wish I could be there for him like they are. I don't have many friends. I don't make people laugh. Josh doesn't need a reminder of bad times by seeing someone who used to do far worse things than he has ever dreamed of.

Huh. Look at that. I managed to talk about him and what's on my mind without divulging any details and violating his privacy. Maybe I'm getting the hang of the whole writing thing. 

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