Saturday, December 22, 2012


A caesura is a complete pause between a line in poetry or music. I remember reading that word for the first time and being amazed that people name so many things. Think about that for a minute. How many words can you think of that represent the concept of nothingness? Of emptiness? Just that one idea has enough words for it that there is one specific to music and poetry.

If that seems wildly out of place as a subject of discussion here, you're right. But for me, today feels like a caesura. Our scouts are still waiting outside the house where the murdering guards are holed up. It's twenty degrees outside, so cold that most people are staying inside. Only critical jobs being done. The undead are quiet.

The world feels paused. For once there's nothing going on at all, and it's weird.

It's the sort of dark anticipation that comes from knowing too much. Enjoying the warmth in my home as I sit next to the stove and write is hard to do when I know what comes next. Whether it's a firefight with those guards or a zombie attack or some new scheme by the UAS, I know it can't last. We've been grinding through hardship after tragedy after terrible calamity. We've made great strides toward creating a better world, but there is always a struggle. Some hurdle or another will trip us up.

If you need any more insight into my mind, my problems (not that most of you probably do), then that's it. Every day is like that for me. I live in a constant state of battle. I try to enjoy the moment while fighting the knowledge that worse times are ahead.

In the world that was, there was a chance I was wrong and that better days waited around the corner. Now, I know beyond doubt things will be dark and painful and terrible.

Even in peaceful, quiet moments like these, I know it.

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