Did any of you ever read the 'Dexter' books? I watched a bit of the show and read the first book. That feels like years ago. But while I don't feel the overwhelming urge to be a serial killer like that character, I kind of understand how the author described his urge to kill as a Dark Passenger. I've got one of those, too. Except for me it's depression and anxiety (as I've mentioned probably way too much) instead of homicidal tendencies.
It's twenty degrees out this morning, which means we're pretty much zombie free. It was too cold last night for the undead to even attempt scaling our wall, and that should put me in a good mood. It actually does mitigate my mood a bit, but I felt that shadow over my thoughts as soon as I woke up.
That's the fucked up thing about psychological problems, you know? They can sneak up on you at any time and sideline you. I'm blessed because my own issues have never been as crippling for me as they have for other people I've known. I've always been very lucky that way. My heart goes out to anyone who has to deal with the deeper depressions and truly uncontrollable anxiety problems. By comparison my own are small potatoes.
But it never feels that way to the person going through it. For me a particular thought or event becomes persistent in my mind, eating away at me over time and generally pulling me down. For example, I know intellectually that today I'm feeling low because the UAS sent a messenger to one of our allied groups yesterday, and that group shared the message with us. It's way too long to share here in its entirety--it's about thirty pages--but the basic gist of it is why I'm not at my best this morning.
Many of you commented on yesterday's post, explaining what you thought might be happening with the UAS. I have to hand it to you; you were right. They aren't just people from a bunker. Many of them are former officials, a few congressmen and senators, and from what I understand even more important personages than that. Nor are they all from a single bunker. There are members of at least three of them all gathered in one place. Too many, they said, which is why they're expanding outward.
All that is fine and good. I could care less. But the hard pill to swallow is that they don't plan to stop their expansion. The message was long-winded and mostly written in the self-important prose only found in legal documents, but the nuts and bolts of it say that the UAS intends to form a new government. That everyone falls under their authority.
Look, I was not (and am not) one of those anti-government people. I don't have a problem with folk coming together and deciding en masse to create a large structural system of governance. That's totally cool with me. Always has been.
But that's not what this is. The UAS admitted outright that they know they can't force us to do anything. They know we've been struggling out here in the world since The Fall and they know we're better survivors. The resources we're relatively rich in, such as stores of food, they aren't. They're getting by off the remnants of their canned goods and similar items from their little hidey-holes and whatever they can hunt. That's part of why they've been spreading out so far and wide. Takes a lot of game to feed so many damn people.
I have a suspicion about them, but I'm keeping that close to the chest. I want to talk it over with Will before I make any accusations.
The really insane thing about this message is the sheer scope of the cognitive dissonance in it. The UAS says on the one hand that they feel every survivor out here is under their authority. They make that claim despite the fact that there is no government left of any kind. I'd be thrilled if a fully functional federal government suddenly popped up out of nowhere and was capable of curbing the harshness of the lives we live. That would be fucking great.
But that's the other hand. They claim authority over us, but they admit they have no power to enforce that. Yet. They claim power but profess weakness. It's almost an invitation for a fight. It's stupid and careless and enraging. People who've lived in armored boxes most of the time we've been out here are trying to explain to us why they're superior or something. Like I said, it makes my brain hurt.
But for now, we're taking them at their word. No matter how upsetting this is, we aren't making the first move. It's just not in the cards. If this is an act of deliberate provocation, it failed. If it's genuine (and idiotic) communication from people that don't know better, it also failed. There's no chance we'd let ourselves be governed by entitled morons like this.
I just hope it doesn't devolve into something worse. The whole thing makes me sad for a lot of reasons. Most of them relate to disappointment. There are thousands of survivors out there with resources unknown. They could have been a huge boon to us and we to them. There were so many possibilities. Instead of being positive forces for each other, we're dealing with this. It makes me want to curl up in the bed and just drift mentally.
As a matter of fact, I think that's exactly what I'm going to do.