Monday, December 17, 2012


I don't know about the rest of you out there, but the last two days here have been very warm. T-shirt weather. The local zombies are of course more active because of the moderate temperatures, but though they're taking an interest in the folks that go outside the walls, they aren't making efforts to hit New Haven itself in large numbers.

I'm sitting in the house nice and toasty. There isn't a need for reserve defenders to go out, and while sixty degrees is nice, I'm still bundled up. I haven't been feeling at my best since last night. I really hope I'm not coming down with something.

I invited Jamie over again. He just left. I spent the early part of my morning really catching up with him. We have a lot in common, actually. He's physically crippled, I'm emotionally crippled. Doesn't seem logical but there's quite a bit of overlap there. It was refreshing to talk to someone who understands the mental barriers that come up when you feel useless, helpless, and a drag on other people. Jamie made me feel better, because what he has had to overcome is so much more concrete than my own issues, yet he's happy and strong. It gives me hope that I can eventually get past these bursts of depression and anxiety.

The big takeaway from his visit is that, for me, most of my own problems rise up from external situations. A lot of depression springs from inside. Mine doesn't, really. I fixate on something real that happened or is happening and dwell on it. Tears me up inside. I'm working on it. Hell, I thought I had this thing beat.

Thankfully there isn't a lot to bring me down at the moment. People coming and going from New Haven are capable of protecting themselves, so I don't stress about that. The Exiles across the river are unusually quiet even for them--and they've been keeping a profile so low it has almost been nonexistent lately--so there's another problem off the list.

And the UAS hasn't been making any moves that anyone can see. I'm sure they're still moving some of their people into new areas so they can farm and set up new communities, but we're so far away from them that there's really no conflict for us.

There are even some positives. Jess has figured out how to heat the giant buildings she wants to turn into greenhouses over by the Box. She says that by using a combination of small fires and compost, which heats up as it decomposes, she can make those giant spaces warm enough to grow most anything. She even did some math to show me how it all worked out. I took her word for it. I'm good at a fair number of things, and mathematics is not within light years of that list.

So, we'll have a leg up on planting season when the time rolls around. That's awesome, and after a winter of eating rabbits (usually in the form of stew, and using the whole animal minus the fur) and deer meat along with some preserves and roughage, a more diverse variety of foods will be very welcome. We're just getting into the bitter seasons, and I'm already looking forward to fresh corn and tomatoes.

We're becoming more industrial, too. Patrick has been working hard to make custom pieces for the people over in the Box so they can get their machinery going. That's Pat's main goal, because he's constantly overworked and has to do most of his metalwork by hand. Once the Box gets fully operational, things around here will begin to get a lot better very fast. Not the least being more time off and freedom to choose projects for ol' Patrick. I'm sure he'd like to spend more time with his family as well.

There are a lot of good things going on here, so I guess I can't complain too much. I just feel this sense of detachment. I mean, I wish to god I could just be happy, but the chemistry in my brain makes me nearly incapable of taking personal pride or responsibility for the good things, and only feel guilt for the bad even if I have nothing to do with them.

Fuck it. Sorry about this ramble. I'm really trying, and it's a process. I'll deal. I'll try to change it up and stop bitching tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. Cheer up man, we've all seen this side of ourselves from time to time. I know it's hard and it seems like it won't end sometimes, but it will get better.

    On the other hand, if it doesn't and you end p oing crazy you can always join us!